#Chapter 3: A Choice to Make

Joseph didn’t try to stop me from leaving. I’m not sure what he thought. He just stared at me with a sort of flabbergasted look on his face, as I gathered my dignity and left him behind. I felt righteous. Empowered. Almost like I could do anything. Maybe even raise this baby on my own. I wanted to keep the good feeling going. I wasn’t ready to go home yet and face the reality of the world alone. Plus, I had promised Asher that I would go to his party to see him before I left. So I made my way back down to the first floor and then up the hallway, following the music to where the student lounge was located. Inside, a bunch of athletic students drank and talked. A DJ had set up a table at the far end of the room. Though people bobbed their heads in time with the music, no one danced yet. I spotted Asher right away. Not only was he one of the tallest in the room, but he was also surrounded by a crowd. He watched someone as they talked to him, but seemed in no hurry to reply. The person didn’t appear to mind, almost like having Asher’s ear was as good as anything. I knew better. His voice was well-worth hearing. I waited near the entrance of the room, unsure where I belonged in this mix. I recognized some of the people here, but they likely didn’t know me, some newbie cheerleader. But then, Asher looked back at me, and I was caught in the blue ocean of his gaze. He crossed the room, masterfully weaving through the crowd around him, and approached me. When he stopped in front of me, he looked me up and down as if making sure I was okay. Then he gazed into my eyes. He seemed to be waiting for something. Did he want me to verbalize that I was fine? What would I even say? Instead, I just nodded, and that seemed to be enough for him. He nodded back. Then he held out a hand. “Dance with me.” I tilted my head, confused. He wanted to… Asher never volunteered to dance. That was well-known across campus. I was surprised, but an offer like that, I couldn’t turn down. I placed my hand in his and let him lead me to the dance floor. The DJ must have seen us coming because suddenly the fast-tempo song ended and a slower one began. Asher pulled me closer, and I went willingly, pressing against his strong chest. One of his arms slid around my waist. He held my hand with the other, holding it over his heart. Then we started moving, swaying in an unhurried circle. Some of the girls around us peered at us with jealousy burning in their eyes. I didn’t understand their hard feelings. I wasn’t anything to Asher – just a nuisance kid sister of his friend. Yet he held me with incredible gentleness, as if I was someone worth protecting. I couldn’t help but feel safe in his arms. With him here, I closed my eyes, relaxing into the feeling. Tonight had been a whirlwind of emotion, but this was a calming space. I could regroup. Recharge. Too soon, the song ended and I slipped from Asher’s hold. I immediately felt colder, even wrapped up in his jacket. The man himself was like a furnace. “I will walk you home,” he said. I shook my head. “Thank you, but… I want to be alone.” He seemed conflicted, but eventually nodded. With great regret, I backed away from him. When I made it outside, it wasn’t raining anymore. In the safety of my dorm room, I tossed my wet clothes into a corner and changed into soft pajamas. I cried softly but refused to let myself fully fall apart. Despite what I had seen, I still needed to talk to Joseph about the pregnancy. He didn’t deserve much, but he should know the truth. Joseph, I’m pregnant. But I have no intention of letting you back into my life. With that message sent, I felt a modicum of satisfaction. Yet the longer I sat there in the quiet, alone, the less I was sure what to do next. I still wanted to talk to someone. My thoughts returned to my family. I couldn’t talk to Mom, or my sister, or Dylan. Wildly, I considered Asher too, but… how could I possibly burden him with this? My cousin Nancy was a nurse at the maternity hospital. If anyone would know what to do, she would. And while we weren’t exactly best friends, we were close enough that I believed she might keep my secret. I dialed her number. “Cynthia?” Nancy’s kind voice came through the phone and I let out a relieved breath. “What’s wrong?” The weight of the secret had been swelling inside of me all day, and it bubbled out now, breaking the dam I’d built to hold it. I told Nancy everything about Joseph and the pregnancy. I ended with, “Please, please don’t tell anyone. Don’t tell Mom.” Our family wouldn’t understand. “I won’t,” Nancy promised. She knew as well as me how conservative our family was about pregnancy. If they knew I had gotten pregnant, they would never forgive me. “And this guy… Joseph,” Nancy said. “He’s a jerk,” I said. “He’s not willing to step up.” “In that case, let’s focus on what you want,” Nancy said. “You have options.” My hands trembled around the phone. I didn’t know what I wanted. When I thought of the future I had dreamed for myself, having a baby so young didn’t really fit. I’d been confident talking to Joseph, but alone… I didn’t know. “Maybe I shouldn’t have it.” My voice was so small, I barely recognize myself. Nancy’s tone was gentle. “It’s not uncommon for student mothers to choose abortion.” The next morning, I sat in the waiting room of maternity hospital’s surgery wing, waiting for my number to be called. If I didn’t have the baby, my life could more or less go back to the way things were before. I could throw myself entirely into dancing and cheerleading. I wouldn’t have to live under the heavy weight of uncertainty about what I would do with my life. If I had this baby, I would lose absolutely everything. My parents wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me. I’d be a black mark on the family. They’d undoubtedly refuse to continue paying my expensive school fees, and I’d have to drop out. I couldn’t let that happen. I had to go through with the abortion. I sunk into my chair, trying to clear my head. Thinking too much about it created cracks in my resolve, and I couldn’t allow any more doubt. Suddenly, a door opened, and a woman accompanied by a nurse was led into the hallway. Tears streaked down the woman’s face. She held a tissue but didn’t use it. She moved slowly, as if in a trance. The nurse guided her past the neonatal delivery room, and the woman nearly dropped to her knees. Her sobs were loud now, almost like howls. The nurse called for others to come help. One offered the woman a sedative. Nancy had warned me of this. During our phone conversation, she’d carefully asked if I had felt bonded to the baby. “If the wolf within the mother has already begun to feel an attachment, the procedure can be dangerous,” Nancy had explained. “It can be difficult for the wolf to understand.” The woman accepted the sedative. The nurses helped her into a wheelchair and rolled her further down the hall. I rubbed my hand over my belly. My stomach remained mostly flat yet, but I noticed now that some of my weight sat differently than before. It almost seemed like I ate too much, but I knew the truth. I was starting to show. A baby was in there. I could almost… feel them. A small warmth blossomed in my chest. A baby. My baby. A nurse at the check-in counter called a number. I looked at the slip in my hand. The number was mine.