Chapter 9 a ghost of a man

It's been two weeks; the nightmares are not getting any better; I don't see him at all during the days, I spent my nights awake watching over him and crying for him. It should be the happiest part of our marriage, but it's not; he is going through something awful that I can't even begin to understand. I need to talk to him. There is something I need to tell him. I find him out by the stables. "Hey, baby." I hand him a cup of hot coffee. I reach out to give it to him, and I cannot help but noticed how his hands are shaking. "Thank you." He only but mumbles from underneath his breath. I move a little bit close to him and sit down on the bench next to him, "Baby, we need to talk." "Jenna, I am not in the mood for you telling me how you don't understand and how you want to help me." "It's not that I wanted to talk about Tyler." I hand him the plate of sandwiches and the other things that I was holding in my hands. As I turn to walk away, I hear him drop the plate and curse underneath his breath. "For fuck sakes." I half expected him to come running after me. But he does not; it is like a kick in the guts like he does not acknowledge it. It feels like he has lost interest in everything that means life. If this is not breaking him, it is definitely breaking me. As the sun starts setting, I make my way to the pool for an early evening swim. I am startled to find him there "Hey." "Hey." That is the extent of our conversation. The entire time I am outside with him, there he does not say another word. He does not come to bed the same time that I do; instead, he sits on the porch staring at the stars. Any other time I would find it romantic, but these days it just presents the hollowed reflection that he is. He is a ghost inside, and it scares me; he scares me. The next morning I wake up, and for once, he is still in bed with me. I lay a few minutes longer until he stirs, "Can I make you some coffee?" For a change, I can see some sort of light in his eyes, but as he speaks, it seems that he still the same old Tyler. He only but stutter under his short, panicked breaths, "Yes, please." I get up and grab some clothes before I head off to the bathroom. I can feel him watch me, staring in my direction long after I have left the room. A few minutes later, he joins me downstairs. I look at him once again as I study him; I need him to get out of his mind, "I am heading into the city this morning if you want to come with me." And then finally a descend conversation, "What are you going there for?" I cannot help but smile at him, "I need things that the local store does not sell." He looks at me rather confused, but yet I still have his attention. Then he asks, "Can't they order it?" I only but sake my head at him, "It's quicker to do it myself." Once again, much to my surprise, in nods, "Give me a minute to get changed." "I will wait for you at the truck." He takes a bit longer than he normally would have, but I let him; I can only imagine how difficult this is going to be for him. I am glad he is coming out of the house; I am glad to spend the time with him, even if it is incomplete silence. Is this what my life is going to be like, my marriage going to be like. Is this my punishment for my sins Two hours later, we finally reach the city and one of the first stores I want to go to, "Do you want to come with me? I promise to make it as far less boring as it can be." I see as he hesitates, but then he finally agrees, "Okay." I can't help but let my heart jump. I get out and meet him on the other side of the car. I reach my hand out to him, and much to my surprise, he takes it. We walk next to each other like strangers as we head into the store; he scans the store then turns to ask me, "What are we getting here?" "I want to get some supplements and all kinds of stuff in case we get sick during the winter." Then we are back to one-word answers, "Okay." Next, we go to a linen store, "I want to get some extra blankets; it's getting much colder at night." All he does is make casual conversation, "It was a bit cold last night." If he was not so damn stubborn, he could still at least let me hold him, then neither of us would be getting so cold. At least he is talking now, which is a great improvement. Then next, "I want to go into the clothing store," I watch him as he looks at me with a painful expression on his face, yet though I continue, "I need some comfortable, warm pajamas." Then from out of completely nowhere, he burst out in laughter, "Fuck, I want to see this. You, wearing pajamas." I slap him against the shoulder, "I'm glad you are finding it funny." "I think it is going to be fucking hilarious." I chuckle at him, "Wait; you might just think it is hot." And continue, he continues, "There is no way that pajamas are hot." I only but smirk at him. "We'll see about that." I am shocked; he is cracking jokes, he is actually laughing and smiling. "Where to now cause I am hungry now?" he asks. "A quick stop at the bookstore." Then there is that burst of laughter again, "Fuck don't tell me you are going to read too." "Yes, I am going to read." "Where is Jenna? What have you done to her?" "Very funny." While we at the book store, I am browsing the books, and he is reading the newspaper. As I am paying, I am watching him from the corner of my eye; he drops the newspaper, and that cold look appears over his face again. It is as if the world stops. I rush over to him. "Baby, what's wrong?" He does not answer me. I stare down at what he was reading. …Texas showdown… It's an article about Luke. I don't even read it; I take the paper and follow him out. As we step out of the shop, he looks at me, and that hollowness is back in his eyes, "Please can we go home now." The two-hour drive back is dead quiet again; it's like the Tyler that was there earlier on is gone again. When we get home, he helps me carry the things in then disappears again. I pull the article on over and start reading it. It starts off explaining who Luke and Tyler are, saying that they were both sheriffs and friends. Then how Tyler's girl got involved with Luke, leaving Luke behind when she goes back to Tyler. They explain how Luke took this girl and tied her to a pole in a basement, how Luke went crazy for the love he lost. They make him sound like a scorned villain, then Tyler sweeps in and rescues the damsel in distress. But both of them pay the ultimate price. Luke loses his life, and Tyler loses his mind. They say that Tyler is a hero. They say that Tyler had to do what he had to save him and his wife. I put the article away and start unpacking the bags. I am startled to hear him speaking behind me. "Do you really want to stay here?" "Yes," I nod at him. "I think we need a new beginning." "Do you think this is a place where we can raise children?" I nod at him again, "I believe we can make this whatever we want it to be" "Do you want to raise our baby here?" "Yes," I say, and I know where he is leading. "Yes, I want to raise this baby here." He looks down as he shuffles around with his feet. I can sense that he is nervous. Then after a few seconds, he looks up again, "So we are really having a baby?" "That is what that stick thing I gave you says." I look at him and see how that hollowness gets filled with a new feeling. He takes my hand softly between his and squeezes them, "We are having a baby." "Yes, we are having a baby." He pulls me in his arms, and I can see tears building up in his eyes. This time I know, it is from happiness and not pain. "I am going to be a dad."