Kit sat on the low stool in front of the mirror in her chambers as her ladies worked on her hair. Already dressed in the simple white gown she would wear for her Proem Ceremony in less than an hour, she tried not to look at her own reflection or look down at what she was wearing as it served as a reminder of where she would be headed next, and she would just as soon be going anywhere else.
Her ladies had both assured her there was nothing to fear and even thought the council’s idea of having one of her guards perform the ceremony rather than the feeble physician was a good one. “He will likely be more capable,” Isla had offered in her meek voice.
“He will likely be more fulfilling,” Avinia had joked, and both of her cousins had giggled, though Kit had not. She had reminded them that this was a medical procedure, not a pleasuring, and they both assured her that they were aware; they were 

Her mother backed out from under the sheet. Kit couldn’t see her, only felt a brief breeze as the sheet went up and then back down again. From this position, Kit couldn’t see anything except the ornate gold ceiling, and since she couldn’t tell what was happening anyway, she decided to close her eyes.
The sound of footsteps echoed off the dais as she imagined her mother was going to retrieve Mikali, who she believed had been standing near a side door that led to a long hallway where there were several different prayer rooms. She had no idea how many guards had volunteered, but she figured it would make sense for them all to be waiting there. She knew her mother would double check that it was impossible to tell their identities, and for a moment, Kit imagined the young man coming into the chapel now was likely just as nervous as she was. Had he truly wanted to be a part of this, or did he 

“Do you really?” she asked, tipping her chin forward and studying him for a moment, not fooled by his quick response. “Don’t you think….” Kit looked around as if she wasn’t sure if anyone could hear. She cleared her throat, and just as the song was about to end, she stopped dancing. “May I speak to you outside for a moment?”
Immediately, Eli’s eyes went over to the queen. He’d been given more than one strict warning to stay out of the situation and avoid the princess at all costs, and yet he hadn’t seemed to be able to do that. Now, as dark eyes bore through his skull, he returned his gaze to more civil ones, though Kit was also troubled. “Your guests will miss you.”
She was already walking, backing him up across the dance floor, headed for one of the balconies. Because of the ornate decorations, the doors were difficult to see. Streams of fabric in blue and gold hung from the ceiling, obscuring the exits, and large displays of flowers lined the dance floor. But Kit knew exactly where she was headed, and rather than fighting her, he turned and walked with her, his upper arm encircled as much as possible by her small hand.
The door was heavy, so he helped her pull it open, and then they both slid out before catching the eyes of anyone save the few guards who were watching the princess like hawks. “Kit, I really don’t think this is a good idea.”
She was over by the ledge already, however, peering down at her mother’s rose garden. The night sky was lit with a thousand twinkling diamonds, and the cool spring air filled his lungs as he took her in. The moonlight landed on her hair, illuminating the edges, and filtered down to radiate off of her alabaster skin. In that moment, she was a dark-haired angel, a graceful creature of the night, and he wanted nothing more than to beg her to leave all of this behind and ride away with him.
But he couldn’t do that. Other obligations came to mind. His mother, his sister, their families. His father’s good name, though tarnished, was capable of being resuscitated, and when she turned to look at him, he was reminded that it was in her best interest to stay here, to follow through with the ceremonies as they’d been laid out before her.
“Do you think,” she began again, her voice soft and ethereal, “that I’ll be able to walk among my own guard, knowing that one of them has been intimate with me?”
Her words were short and clipped, as if it was painful for her to speak them aloud. “I think that you will be able to do as you’ve always done, my Princess. It’s not intimacy, remember? The guard who fulfills his duty tomorrow will be a tool of the physician, simply taking his place because the older gentleman is not capable of performing the ceremony himself. I am sure that whomever is selected will be honored and will not at all think about you any differently than he always has. It is our greatest privilege to serve you however we are called upon to, Princess Katrinetta.
He saw her face relax just a bit, but he knew she would only be calmed for a moment before all of her worries came flooding back, and there wasn’t anything at all he could do about it.
Kit leaned back against the cold stone wall that protected her from a drop off of over a hundred feet. The barrier reached past her waist, so he was certain she was safe, but he moved toward her anyway, just to be sure, and also because he simply couldn’t stay away from her any longer.
“Even after the Proem is over,” Kit began, her eyes downcast, as if she were simply thinking aloud, “I’ll begin my Exploration. And I’m not sure… that is to say, it might be difficult to proposition a man, to invite him to pleasure me. Especially one I do not know.”
“I should think it would be easier with the ones you do not know.” He knew his own words did him a disservice, but at the same time, he couldn’t imagine being with her and not getting to keep her. He felt that he’d rather never know what it was like to lay with her than to do so and then quietly slip away as she fell into the embrace of dozens of other men, especially during her Choosing.
“Do you think?” she asked, shifting so that she was looking into his eyes.
Eli reached up and brushed back a strand of hair from her forehead. “Yes, of course. That way, you can discover what you like, and what you don’t like, without worrying over anyone’s feelings. That is the whole point of the Exploration, isn’t it?”
“Yes, I suppose so,” she admitted, moving a step closer to him. “Do you think I’ll get used to it, then?”
“I do, Kit. All of the women who have come before you have done so, and even though I’d be the first to argue there is none other like you, I’m certain that you will be just fine.” She leaned into him, and he let her, holding her close against him, breathing her in, and trying to remember exactly what it felt like to have her pressed into his body. Her arms encircled his waist, and he pulled her even closer.
“What is it like?” she asked, her voice just a whisper, reverberating against his chest. “Is it as wonderful as everyone says it is?”
It was a difficult question for him to answer. He’d been with a few women, but the only one he had ever had real feelings for had always been just out of reach. The fact that it was different for men than women came to mind as well, but that’s not what she wanted to hear. That’s not what she needed to hear. “Kit, it’s called pleasuring for a reason, darling. Don’t fear it. Embrace it.”
She turned so that they were toe to toe, her soft satin slippers nudged up against his heavy black boots. Tilting her head she looked up at him, and he rested his hands on the small of her back, conscious of the fact that, should her mother send someone after them, he’d need to act quickly if he wanted to keep his head. Everyone knew it was forbidden to have any sort of relations with the princess before her Exploration began. Yet, he took a deep breath and stared into her eyes. “You asked me earlier if I had further insight, and my advice is to take in each situation, each interaction, to the best of your ability so that you can learn as much as possible. The Exploration is not a time to worry about feelings, Kit. That will come later, during your Choosing.”
“Is that how you’ve approached it?” she asked, her lips mere inches from his now. “With no feelings?”
It was a difficult question because he wasn’t the sort of man who relished pleasuring women just for the sake of gratification. “I’ve never had an Exploration, Kit, but I imagine if I were in your position, that’s what I’d do.”
“And have you ever loved any of the women you’ve been with?”
“No.” His answer came quickly enough that it caught her off guard, and she took a slight step backward. “But I have cared about them. Again, it’s different.”
She nodded in understanding and then slipped out of his embrace, choosing to look out over the courtyard again. He let her go, thinking they needed to return to the ball, but not wanting to interrupt her thoughts. “Thank you,” she finally said quietly. Her head turned, and she looked into his eyes. “For always being here for me.”
“It’s an honor and a privilege, Princess.”
“I don’t just mean… as the commander of my guard.” She turned to face him fully again, though there were still a few feet between them. Her hands were clasped, and she interlaced her fingers, switching them and reconnecting them as she spoke. “I mean, as my dearest friend.”
“And I didn’t mean as commander of your guard either, Kit,” he reassured her, taking a step forward and brushing her hair back again. She looked up at him, her lips full and lush, and he knew she wanted him to kiss her as badly as he wanted to, but any excuse for her mother to eliminate him once and for all would be his undoing, so he moved away from her, watching the twinkle in the princess’s eyes dissipate. “We should get back to the ball.”
Kit nodded. “My mother will think I’ve run away with you.” She let out a nervous laugh, but it didn’t escape him that she mentioned his very thought from earlier.
He took a deep breath to compose himself and then opened the door for her. As soon as Kit stepped around the edge of the tapestries, she was greeted with a flourish of extended, gloved hands waiting for a dance, giving Eli the opportunity to slip away.
Eli had only taken three steps when a member of the Queen’s Guard stopped him. “The queen wishes to speak to you, Commander.”
“Yes, of course she does,” Eli replied, keeping his chin high. He nodded, and the soldier headed off toward the room behind the dais where the queen always observed the balls, never actually taking part in them.
Other guards opened the door for him, and he walked through, unaccompanied by the guard who had alerted him to the queen’s request.
She stood across the room, her back to him. She was dressed all in black, which was no surprise since she preferred dark colors, and her flowing cape trailed across the floor a good ten feet behind her. He waited, listening to her raspy breaths. Eventually, Rona turned to face him. “Have you forgotten what we discussed?”
“No, Your Majesty. I remember.”
“And are you prepared to leave then?”
“Your Majesty, the princess requested my advice as a friend, and I gave it to her. I assure you, there was no impropriety on either of our parts. However, if you see fit….”
She took three quick steps toward him, brushing her cape behind her as she came. She stopped with her pointy chin just an inch from his face, and yet he still didn’t flinch. “I see fit to do exactly what I said I would do,” Rona said, each word measured.
“Yes, Your Majesty,” he replied, thinking it was for the best that way. Sending him away just as Kit began her Exploration would prevent anything from happening between the two of them, which meant, once she began her Choosing, a ceremony he would inevitably be excluded from, then there would be no interference on his part, whether in actuality or in the princess’s mind.
“Very good.” The queen adjusted so that she was somehow looking down her nose at him, even though he was still inches taller than her despite her higher heels. “You shall leave the day after tomorrow.”
“Yes, Your Majesty,” he repeated, surprised that she didn’t send him away before the Proem. At least he might be there for Kit afterward when she was likely to be upset or at the very least preoccupied.
“That’s all.” Rona was dismissive, and he bowed before backing away from her. “Oh, and Eliason,” she called him back. “Stay away from my daughter for the rest of the evening.”
“Of course, Your Majesty.” He nodded, watching a wicked smile spread across her face, and bowed once more, giving her the satisfaction of thinking she had won when in all actuality, he had resolved himself to this fate many years ago. It was inevitable that Katrinetta would end up in someone else’s arms, and if that were to be the case, then there was no sense in him standing in the shadows--watching.

Kit sat on the low stool in front of the mirror in her chambers as her ladies worked on her hair. Already dressed in the simple white gown she would wear for her Proem Ceremony in less than an hour, she tried not to look at her own reflection or look down at what she was wearing as it served as a reminder of where she would be headed next, and she would just as soon be going anywhere else.
Her ladies had both assured her there was nothing to fear and even thought the council’s idea of having one of her guards perform the ceremony rather than the feeble physician was a good one. “He will likely be more capable,” Isla had offered in her meek voice.
“He will likely be more fulfilling,” Avinia had joked, and both of her cousins had giggled, though Kit had not. She had reminded them that this was a medical procedure, not a pleasuring, and they both assured her that they were aware; they were only teasing.
But there was nothing humorous about it to Kit, and as they brushed out her hair and b

Chapter6: