Chapter 6

I sit in the ladies' restroom on a soft plush chaise lounge in the washing area. It's the only place I could get to quickly that was private enough to bring myself back to inner calm. My head is all over the place. This is about more than just Jake. It's everything. I've been holding it all in since the morning after my mother left. Her, my lack of ability to stay in control, the aching loneliness of Jake's absence, and now seeing him. It's all too much. Maybe it's time I faced reality and looked for another job. I was stupid to think I could work here, only floors away from him. Acting like we don't know each other anymore. I just can't do it. I can't handle the thought that any time I leave this floor I might see him. There's a chance we could run into one another anywhere in this building, and I've just proven I can't deal with it. Looking around at the contemporary furnishings I sigh. My heart rate calmer, for now, but I know I can't keep living like this, in the hope of feeling better. How long before I'm an emotional train wreck again because I've spotted him across a hall? Or in an elevator? Or even in a meeting? I need to get a grip of myself. I need to think about this rationally, think about what's best for me and moving on with my life. * * * I take the elevator down to the lower floors where there's a huge canteen for staff to eat with a pleasant seated area that is surprisingly private. I need time to think in a calm and quiet place, take a moment to browse the classifieds again and really think this through. Think my future through and where I go from here. I grab a chair and sit by the large glass windows, with my English tea and bagel, to spend some time pondering over my next steps now I am back to calm. I have no intention of walking away from this table until I have a plan in my head about where I go next or what I do. I know one thing for sure, I can't work here anymore. I was an idiot to come back at all. I skim the classifieds in the paper someone had left on the table and I circle a couple of jobs, but neither have the lure of the one I'm in now, or even compare to being the PA to New York's richest playboy. They don't meet the salary I'm used to having either. God, I need to try harder. I pull out my cell and scroll through some online job sites. There's a position for a PA to some European businessman so I jot it down on my note pad. Am I really doing this? Have I really decided to leave Carrero House? "Emma?" The chirpy voice draws my attention and I glance up to see Rosalie beaming at me. My old assistant. She looks pretty today, long auburn hair loose around her shoulders and her fitted cream suit accentuates her olive skin and hazel eyes. She always was a friendly looking girl. "Hello, Rosalie! It's nice to see you." I smile back, easily, folding my paper over and moving it aside, gesturing to her to sit. She smiles brightly and flops down in front of me. "I really have missed you on the sixty-fifth, you were my ideal boss." She grins again, her smile overtaking her face beautifully and for the first time I realize just how much I've missed her. I never really gave the idea much thought when we worked together but seeing her. She used to ease my stresses and organize finer details, leaving me free to be brilliant. My secret weapon. But above all, she always had a smile for me, and I knew she was my back up, someone I could always count on. With her, I never felt like I was doing it alone. "I miss you too. I really miss your hot chocolates, a lot." I laugh, being genuine with her, probably for the first time. "You seem different now … I'm sorry if that's rude." She lowers her lashes. "It's just, I've seen you at a distance a couple of times and I don't know, it's like there's something different," a hint of blush creeps up her cheek. "I feel different, Rosalie, it's not rude … I guess I'm the talk of the office, right?" I sip my tea and raise an eyebrow. It's inevitable they're all talking about the PA who was sent away, only to be sent back again a month later. "A bit … There's so much gossip about why you left." She blushes fully this time, averting her eyes to the paper on the table. "Ignore the gossip, it'll blow over soon enough," I reply so calmly I surprise myself. I know the gossip's been running thick but not one ounce of truth has made it out there. Rosalie's never been one to push for information when it comes to Jake and I wonder how much she picked up on, and how much she guessed. "He misses you; you know?" She watches me a little intently and I freeze with my cup mid-air and shake my head. Carefully placing the cup down. "He was the one who chose to send me elsewhere, Rosalie. Jake and I …" I sigh. "We reached a place in our relationship that wasn't working anymore." I avoid her eye for a moment. "I get that, I could see it happening. It's just … Since you've been gone, he's not much fun to work for anymore." Her cheeks glow still, revealing her discomfort and she looks away quickly. "He'll get over it, I'm sure. That's what Jake does best." I tap my nails on the tabletop, trying to end this line of conversation. Squirming as heartache grows stronger. "Are you leaving?" she squeaks, alerting me to where she's looking, sitting up straight in a flash, she's noticed my notes on the pad beside me … The European PA job. I mustn't have folded it away as discreetly as I thought I had. Uh-oh. Smooth move, Emma! "Thinking about it." I cut in smoothly, flipping the pad over. I don't know why I care about her knowing. Everyone will find out soon enough if I hand my resignation in. I'm sure even that would make it to the sixty-fifth floor in a hurry. "I know things went south upstairs, but I always believed you'd come back … That whatever happened with you and Jake, it'd blow over. He misses you, regardless of what you say. You were both such a perfect fit, it's just so awful to see you drifting apart." Her face is so earnest it quells my urge to snort, instead I shake my head sadly, as a familiar lump in my throat resurfaces. "It's complicated. I really doubt he misses me at all … We wanted different things. This is for the best. I know that's not really an explanation but trust me." It's the only one I can come up with. "Men are really complicated but I know one thing … Men in bad moods? Angry, shouty men, like Jake has been for the last few weeks? Are usually angry and shouty because they're hurting in some way … It started the day you left, and he's only gotten worse. Take from that what you will." Her pointed expression and raised eyebrow make my insides droop. I look at the table knowing full well his recent mood has nothing to do with me. He came home with Marissa in tow, and the knowledge that he is going to be a father. His ex-girlfriend turned drunken one-night stand in a moment of weakness, made sure of that. No wonder he's gone off the scale with his moods. His life has always been so perfectly uncomplicated with no real ties or relationship commitments. Marissa dropping that bombshell on him upends everything that makes him happy. Jake isn't missing me; Jake is missing the life he had before he got a girl pregnant. I cast a picture in my mind to one of his petty glares and it makes me smile for a moment, even mad or pissed in some way, he was too beautiful for words. "Jake has a lot going on, Rosalie … I'm not even a factor in his moods … Trust me." I smile tightly, as she stands. She lightly squeezes my hand on the table and straightens her jacket, picking up her paper cup of coffee. "I need to head back if I'm late he'll probably yell at me again … It's been nice to see you, Emma …I mean really, really, nice." She gives me a killer smile and it melts me. My reaction is almost spontaneous, without thinking, I jump up and give her a hug. Something inside tells me this is a goodbye hug. She hesitantly hugs me back after a moment of shock and pulls away. "You really are so different … I like it." She turns on her heel, grinning, leaving me with a wave. I watch her walk off among the milling people until she's out of sight, a strange feeling of longing as she goes. She represents everything I had … The office, the job with Jake, her, my friendship with him, and a whole other world. Saying goodbye to her represents how I'm feeling now. It's time to move on with my life.