Chapter 16

A broken heart is one of those experiences that all of us as humans can share, yet you can only experience alone. That your being sad even if someone sympathizes with you will never go away from the pain in your chest. This what I scared of in Love, sobrang sakit dulo nito, at first you will experience happiness but in the end it is painful like hell. We humans, we"re wired to experience incredible love and affection. But for every action, there"s an equal and opposite reaction, and when it comes to the ecstasy of true love, that reaction is a gut-wrenching pain, a deep void of sadness, utter lethargy, and feelings of seemingly eternal loneliness. Maybe I did nothing that afternoon but shut up and cry. I am still here in Alta Vista, they have all gone home and I am the only one left. Sherina wants to stay here, but I said it's good for her to go home because I want to be warmed up. Before they all went home Chaos was already ahead. After that night, a painful night, he left. When I returned to the suite, all her belongings were gone. He didn't even left me a note or text message. It's just funny, what else can I expect right? This is all my fault, and I like it. He was just granted my wish. He fulfilled what I wanted him to lose in my life. I should be happy that finally! No Chaos, but why do I feel differently? How much do you really love someone? I think when you fall in love and then the day comes that he will marry you, it's okay that everything will be okay too but I think I will never be okay. I feel even more pain now because Dad left us. When dad left and he chose his second family I was very hurt because even if I told dad to stay he would still leave and then I didn't want him to leave us but now Chaos left but this is what I wanted first. God! Why so unfair ?! I didn't even tell her that I loved her. Why is it hard for saken to accept people who want to love saken? Why do I find it so hard to forgive? I can't take it anymore ... It's so painful ... Why? Chaos? Why did you leave me now? Why didn't you listen to my side first? Why did you just leave right away? You never asked me if I really wanted you to leave. Then I wanted .... But everything changed. I don't want to, I don't want you to disappear from my life. Lord please, heal me again. This time please ease all the pain that I am bearing right now. I got up from sitting on the floor and wiped away my tears. I don't want to, this is the only way I can think of. No matter what I do, I will never be happy. And I have no intention of being happy again, as well as severe pain and sadness will also return. I went out and went straight to the beach. Nobody so I think it's time. Im sorry ... But I hope you understand what I'm going to do. Ayoko na. I no longer feel anything in my heart. Trembling I set my feet in the sea water, the waves were so strong. And from here I could see the beauty of the moon. Luna. You said Chaos diba, when I look at the sky and the moon I see you I will remember. And you were right. I also held the necklace he gave me that night. You are my sun, Chaos. 'Til we meet again in our next life. I promise, even if the sun goes down and the moon appears at night I will always remember you. And you will always remember me, you will see me night after night. Because I am your Luna. I couldn't even feel the cold of the sea water on my waist and I could feel how strong the waves were. I don"t feel weird and scared at these times. I smiled, looks like my body also wants what I'm going to do tonight. Because of the coming tomorrow there is no bait, or anything to feel. I close my eyes and the tears flow in my eyes again. And especially no tears to drip again. "I love you, Chaos." I finally said, even though I knew he couldn't hear me. "Are you fucking crazy ?!" A grip of the hand prevented saken from my arm before I could walk again. His voice, sounds familiar! "Chaos!" I don't know but I quickly turned around and faced him. "He already left Shaina." He promised emphatically, his face was blank and you wouldn't see any emotion. When I realized he wasn't Chaos, I immediately struggled with him. "Let me go! Get out of here! Let me go!" I shouted and tried to grab my arm but he just held it tightly, I tried to use one of my hands but he was really stronger. "No!" "Let me go!" "This is what you want right? You want Chaos gone." I immediately stopped what Nash said, he still looked cold because of it. "You want him gone but you're here and you're going to kill yourself to escape everyone, right?" "You don't know so ----" "You can say that, but I was there too that night. I saw you and Chaos fighting and I heard everything." I fell silent. "He's right you're really heartless. How are you able to end everything this way? Do you think everything's fine when you're gone? No, you're making it worse." Now he let go of the grip on the saken. "You will leave the people who have done nothing but love you. You didn't even think about the people you will leave. You know why? Because you're selfish." I immediately slapped him. "You don't know anything! You have no right to tell me that. We just met -----" "Yeah, we just met but first time I laid my eyes on you. I think you're different, you don't even have emotions." "I knew all along Shaina. I know you love my cousin, you're just afraid to admit it." I bit my lip. He's right, im afraid of everything. "You're just pretending to be a strong woman, but deep inside I know you are weak. You are weak, you are coward." He made a firm promise, when I was annoyed I hit the water, why is that? He held both my hands to stop hitting the water. "Stop it Shaina! There's nothing you can do about crying. You just have to stand up again! You still have time, Shaina. You just have to believe yourself." "But first, learn to forgive. That's the only way to calm the pain in your heart." "This is my only way, Nash. Best way to not get your heart broken is to pretend that you don't have one." I made a weak promise as I bowed. "But you're already hurt, how did you say that you don't have one?" ONE WEEK had passed after that day, I don"t know how I received everything Nash said. And now, I am trying. I'm trying to be whole again. Not just for myself but also for people who have confidence in me. After I saw my dad, that was the last time I saw him. I don't know yet, I still can't face him again. But when destiny brings us together again, maybe that's the time for us to talk. This is my Chaos wish for me, that's the only way I can fulfill his wish. Now I am here at my friends' house. Chikka's house. And within a few years our house had also been given a name. I know they've noticed my lethargy since I came home, well I've always been like that but it's better to let me go first. Though, I can see in their faces that they are already worried. I was going downstairs when I saw Nica, Joyce and Jayrose watching in the living room. "Are you two finally dating?" I caught them watching the news on Chaos with Diana. "Ahm ---" Diana was about to say something when Chaos preceded her. "Yes." Chaos replied, I heard them sigh Joyce at Chaos's answer. Fuck! Why the pain. Nor did I see any other emotion in Chaos"s eyes. "What ?! Did Chaos admit it for real ?!" I saw Nica stand up in disbelief. "But who is this girl who has been linked to you lately? And you post on your social media accounts?" I was nervous when a reporter asked him. "C'mon you must tell the whole world that you are chasing our friend!" Joyce shouted. Chaos didn't speak for a while, I knew he would answer but why did I still stand here? "She's nothing, I really don't know her." Its cold response. As I closed my eyes and my tears were dripping, I was holding on to the stairs when I felt weak. "Shaina !!" Jayrose shouted and I finally attended holding on to the stairs. "You alright?" I saw three of them in front of me. They saw me crying .... "D-did you watch? D-did you heard ----" I didn't finish asking Joyce. "Yeah, Im okay. I wanted it, so I'll stand by it." They were obviously confused by what I said but they didn't ask any more questions and they helped me sit on the sofa. "Here." I took Scarlet's saken water and drank it immediately. "I'm okay girls." I smiled at them, because they were obviously worried about it. During my one week stay here, I rarely left the room. "Where are you going?" Joyce asked as I came down the stairs dressed. "Ahm breathe fresh air outside." I smiled at the promise. His eyes widened and he approached me. "Do you have a fever ?! Are you okay ?!" He asked confusedly while chinechecking if I had a fever, I immediately slapped his hand. "What a joyce!" "You're smiling again!" "Bat, am I not allowed to smile?" "No! No! No! You're good to go hehe! You're still smiling!" I blinked and went straight to the show. "Remember beshuuuu!" Napa roll eyes naman ako lumarga na. When I got in the car I immediately looked at my VIP tickets in the bag along with the light stick and the tarpaulin in the back seat. Good thing I put it in my car first and Joyce didn't see it because she would probably ask. I know I'm crazy about what I'm doing now, but I just want to support Chaos even in that way. I smiled and picked up the headband with a picture of Chaos design. I put it on my head with a smile. And now .. Im ready to go! It seems that I arrived early and the main gate of the Philippine Arena has not yet opened, yes! Philippine Arena! With so many of their fans. And there are so many people here! "Excuse me ... Makikiraan po!" I promise those I meet. Fuck! It's so crowded! "What is that miss!" Complaint of a woman I refused. "Sorry miss .." But it just stared. "Oh all VIPs can come inside!" A bouncer shouted from the front. "Me! I have VIP ticket!" I shouted even though I could hardly be heard because the shouts kept coming. I wiped the sweat off my forehead, Thank God! I'm still alive inside. I was in the front, and in the VIP seat I also had people next to me holding a Tarp. If you look at our position now, we are very close to the stage and those in front can see us. "Hi!" I looked at the person next to me. "A-me?" I'm embarrassed to question. "Silly! Ofcourse you!" "Hi too!" "Are you also a fan of Chaos?" He asked, I immediately nodded. "Well, I am too! But I bet Vino is better, you know that cold type." Its thrilling promise. "But I think papa Chaos' aura is colder." I bit my lip, I said nothing. "Anyway, do you want to join our fan group?" I looked at him curiously. "Huh?" "Hatdog." He laughed in response. "Just a joke hahaha! If you just want to join the Moonstonians! We're their fandom, when Moonstone has mall tours, concerts or fansigning we're always there. In short, we're their supporters. What game are you in?" Supporter of Chaos, Sounds kinda good. "Game!" I promise enthusiastically. "Oh my God! I'm so stupid I haven't introduced myself yet. Btw, I'm Kathleen. You?" "I'm Shaina ..." Then he introduced me to his companions ... This is it Shaina ... You're doing it fine ... For Chaos. To be continued...