Chapter 112: Health vs. Heart

The continuous beep of the heart rate monitor filled the sterile examination room. Olivia perched at the end of the paper-covered examination table, her fingers nervously twisting the hem of her shirt. She'd been here before, but there was something about today that didn't feel quite the same. Dr. Patel walked into the room, her version of warmth etched at the corners of her eyes as she smiled reassuringly at Olivia. "Hello, Olivia. How are you feeling today?" Olivia smiled feebly in return. "I'm ok, I guess. Just literally super exhausted." Dr. Patel glanced down at the chart in her hands, her brow furrowing slightly. "I see your blood pressure's up again. CORT levels are not where I would want them. Have you been feeling more stressed lately?" Olivia gave a laugh without humor. "You could say that." He pulled up a stool, sat down, and turned to face Olivia squarely. "Talk to me. What's going on?" For a second, Olivia almost thought to brush it off and spit out some generic reply about work or family stress. But something behind Dr. Patel's eyes cracked through her defenses. "Complicated," she started, the words barely above a whisper. "I'm in a relationship; I have been for a while now. But there's someone else. Not. not like that," she rushed to explain, seeing the doctor raise an eyebrow. "We haven't done anything. But the feelings are there, and I just. I can't seem to shake them." Dr. Patel nodded, her expression neutral. "And this conflict is causing you stress?" Olivia laughed bitterly. 'Stress hardly covers it. I can't even sleep anymore or eat. My art has been my escape from all this stuff, but right now, it feels impossible to do. I'm being emotionally torn in two. The doctor was silent for a second, collecting her thoughts. "Olivia, I'm not here to advise you about relationships; that's not for me to do. What I can say, though, is from a medical point of view. this kind of stress, it really isn't good for your body." She waved a hand at the chart. "Your blood pressure is high, consistently, your cortisol levels are through the roof, and I'm going to guess you're suffering from other symptoms. Headaches? Digestive issues?" Olivia nodded, feeling a tight knot in her throat. "The human body wasn't made to operate under this kind of stress over any extended length of time," Dr. Patel went on gently. "If it remains like that, then you are also really opening yourself up to a host of serious health complications down the road." The words hit Olivia like a physical blow. So consumed was she by the emotional turmoil of things that she had not stopped to consider the toll it was having on her physical health. "What. What should I do?" Olivia asked, meek and tentative. Dr. Patel tipped forward onto her elbows, kind but serious in her expression. "Look, in medical terms, it's straightforward: you need to find a way of taking your stress levels down. Whether that means making a decision about your relationships, seeking therapy that can help you work through your feelings, or finding some better ways to cope—well, that's all up to you. But something's got to give here, Olivia. Your health depends on it." The rest of the appointment was a blur: blood pressure checks, prescription renewals, the works. As Olivia walked out of the clinic, her head was reeling under the weight of Dr. Patel's words. As soon as she stepped foot inside and barely paused, Olivia kept walking inside her small apartment. Her eyes fell upon a blank notebook splashed open atop her coffee table. Mechanically, she picked up a pen and began to write. At the top of one page, she wrote "Mark." On the facing page, "Nathan." Then, almost reflexively, she started making lists of the pros and cons of each relationship. Titles like'stable,''supportive', and 'kind' described Mark. He was perhaps the safest bet, the guy who had always been there for her, no matter what. As she wrote, though, Olivia realized all the adjectives that supplemented Mark's description. 'Exciting', 'passionate'; they were missing altogether. Nathan's, on the other hand, ran in opposite directions, a mishmash of impressions—the aspirational "intense," "unpredictable," and "challenging" mixing with "inspiring" and occasionally "electrifying." He made her feel alive in ways she almost forgot she could be, but he had also introduced complications and elements of vagary that had left her head spinning more often than not. Tears filled Olivia's eyes as she read the two lists. How was she ever able to make such a decision? How could she possibly think one was worth more than the constant security, assurance, and warmth of one relationship versus the passionate, all-consuming love some would say she'd experience with a different one? More importantly, though, how in the world would she decide without ending up feeling regret? Overwhelmed, Olivia sank onto her couch, hugging a notebook to her chest. She remembered the words that Dr. Patel had said and the toll that this indecision was taking on her body. She remembered Mark, unwavering and true, and ready for her full commitment. And she thought about Nathan—the possibility of what they would have right before her face. In a crazy, fleeting moment, Olivia thought about racing away from the whole thing. For the first time, she just wanted to pack up a bag and light out for some godforsaken town somewhere where she wouldn't have to make these impossible choices. But even as the thought crossed her mind, she knew it wasn't a real solution. Olivia drew a quivering breath and then picked up the phone. She thumbed through contacts, and she hesitated at both Mark and Nathan's names. The desire to reach out to one of them—to any of them—was almost overwhelming, but she set the phone down. This wasn't a one-day or even a one-week decision. It would take time—probably more soul-searching than she'd ever done before. But as she looked at the pro/con lists, seeing her inner conflict in some kind of tangible way, Olivia felt a small blaze of determination start to burn within her. She might not have the answers yet, but she was going to find them. In the name of her health, her heart, and most importantly, her peace, she vowed to. The road ahead was daunting, but for the first time, Olivia felt ready to face it head-on. As Olivia closed the notebook, she made a silent promise to herself: No matter the decision she would come to, it would head toward her well-being, physical or emotional. It wasn't going to be easy, but it was one she needed to take. She took a deep breath and stood up. She had work to do.